The Feral Deacon, Part 2 – What not to say

Everyone means well. Everyone wants to make someone feel better. Everyone wants to say the right thing to bring some cheer. But we all know there are times when your words don’t deliver, even though your heart is in the right place.

I have seminary friends who have gone through a lot, enough to make me think I’ve lived a sheltered life. They’ve told me never to say, “God never gives you more than you can handle.” Saying “God has a plan” brings little comfort to families grieving a loss; it makes God sound less . . .  godly.

Here’s one more phrase to avoid: God has a job waiting for you. Just don’t say it. Where is this job? How did you hear about it? Why isn’t God telling me? Will this place let me bring my dog to work? (And please don’t tell an unmarried person that God has a spouse waiting for them.)

I thought God did well with my previous job. The church took a chance on a 55-year-old rookie youth director, I could preach now and then, and it was in the community where I lived. Either God has greater plans than these (which I hope is true) or you’re repeating poorly thought out theology. Either way, it lands with a thud.

Losing a job is a grieving process, not as intense as losing a loved one, but it is a significant loss and it is painful. (So don’t say, “God has a plan,” either.) You are allowed to talk about it. You’re not going to suddenly remind me I’m unemployed.

So what should you say? If you truly believe God has a job for me, maybe you’re the one God is working through to get me that job. The following would help:

What are you working on? I like to try out my ideas before acting and I’d appreciate your thoughts. I’m getting plenty of positive and negative feedback in the job search, your comments will not send me over the edge.

If you have time – and your greatest gift to another is your time – help popcorn some ideas. Two heads are better than one and I’ve gotten some great ideas talking to others. You could bring a brand-new perspective to things.

Can I make an introduction for you? This is the best thing you could possibly do. I had a friend who suggested I talk to someone, then called that person and told her to expect my call. Your help can build connections in what can feel like a very disconnected time.

What we’re looking for is a next step, a path we haven’t tried, a person we haven’t met, an option we hadn’t considered, something that opens a door. It’s OK if you can’t provide that. If you have no idea what else to say, say this: I honestly want to know – how are you doing?

Connecting is caring.  These are the words that deliver.  If you can think of more good words, add them to the comments below.